IN WHICH THS MRS WHINES ABOUT GROCERY SHOPPING

In the proverbial blink of an eye, you three girls have completely grown up and can tell your own stories of grocery shopping with your own children. Or, as I begin to fan myself, with your own grandchildren! All of my baby girls are grandmothers now which, of course, makes me feel oldish. That's a new descriptive word from a wonderful book of poems by Judith Viorst: "I'm Too Young To Be 70." I just discovered it--she has written a book every decade beginning at 20 and continues all the way to her newest one titled  "Nearing Ninety." (Now there's a woman!)

But, back to grocery shopping. Early on when it was just Mickie, her dad and me--in Omaha, we lived in an apartment and had only one car. There was a little store nearby, and I quickly learned that I could call, order our groceries and they would be delivered. Very quickly. I also know our finances were such that those deliveries had to have been free. I hope I appreciated that convenience. I could have used delivery service on the farm.

But, even more, I remember shopping in Windom, MN...for two reasons. First of all, food items were not taxed, but everything else was. As we deposited our items onto the moving belt, taxable was to be kept separate from non-taxable. I don't remember which of them came first. But I do remember that if you mixed them, there was hell to pay. There were loud, snappy voices, with no empathy at all for a new Minnesotan shopper's innocent ignorance. If there had been more than one grocery store in Windom I would never have gone back to that one, but there wasn't and so, I did. The other thing with which I was unfamiliar was that glass bottles needed a deposit. Let's say 5 cents per bottle. You paid up front. But...when you returned those bottles, carefully washed and dried, you got your nickels back. I thought that was wonderful. I don't remember anything like that in Kansas. Or, maybe I was richer in Kansas and didn't mind the deposits.

But the real Game Changer that made me want to be in Minnesota forever was S&H Green Stamps. I knew nothing about S&H Green Stamps but I loved them immediately. I licked every S&H Green Stamp I ever got and stuck them very neatly in their little books. Then I collected those books, and then I purchased a really cute wicker-y footstool with them. Once again, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Free Furniture! Just by buying groceries.

Sadly, our time in Minnesota was short, the footstool disappeared in one move or another and that was the end of that.

Which really doesn't bring us much closer to this THS MRS story, but here it is anyway:

Halloween--Photo Not Dated

"I read an article the other day by an expert in the field of raising children who stated that mothers should take their kids on trips to the grocery store. This woman claimed that shopping teaches children about economics, instills discipline, and prompts sound social behavior.

Needless to say, I immediately grabbed my girls and took off for the nearest store.

Ten feet inside the door I heard, 'Mama, can I push the cart? Denise pushed it last time.'

'No I didn't,' said Denise. 'Kristi pushed it last time and Mickie pulled it.'

'I didn't either,' said Kristi.  'Mickie pushed it, Denise pulled it and so it's my turn.'

'OK,' I said. 'Denise gets the first two aisles, Kristi gets the next two and Mickie has the last two.'

'But what if there's more than six aisles?' asked Denise.

'Mama, can we have some gum?'

'We'll see. Now, I don't want to hear 'can we have this' and 'can we have that?' I made the list and we'll stick to it and the budget. What if we run out of money someday?'

'Write a check,' answered Kristi.

'Mama, can we have some oranges?' Denise asked.

'You kids don't eat half the things I buy. When I opened the refrigerator door this morning, three apples jumped down and walked out the back door.'

'Those were apples. We never eat apples. I want oranges.'

Mickie spoke up. 'If she gets oranges, then I get cottage cheese.'

'YUCK!' shouted Denise. 'If you get it, are we gonna have to eat it?'

'Well,' I answered. 'Basically, it's a better buy. The last container I found in the fridge had enough mold on it to supply penicillin for a small city. I'm thinking of taking bids from Squibb and Plough.'

'Then I want some spinach,' said Kristi.

'YUCK!' shouted Mickie.

'AYEE!' screamed an elderly lady.

'I told you to be careful with that cart! Help the lady up and tell her you're sorry. Now...everybody gets to pick out one kind of cereal.'

'Mama,' asked Mickie, returning with a box. 'Does this basketball come in the cereal or do we have to send for it?'

'You are so dumb,' said Denise. 'How are you going to get a basketball in that box?'

'Mama, how many of these boxes do we have to eat to get this blow-up chair?'

'Hey, if we eat eight of these boxes we get a doll. Let's see--Mama, what's eight times three?

'Look! This box has a hot wheels in it.'

'Does this box have the airplane in it, or do we have to order it?'

'You are so dumb!' Denise shouted. 'How can you get a two-foot plane in that box?'

'Wait a minute! Hold it!' I shouted. 'We are gonna buy cereal for its nutritional content, not the prizes. Now...'

'What's nutritional content mean?' Kristi asked.

'Never mind,' I answered. 'Pick out two boxes of cereal; compare the prices, and we'll take the best buy.'

'What's 'compare prices' mean?' asked Mickie.

'It means you take the one with the lowest price.'

'Mama,' asked Kristi. 'Is 49 lower than 33?'

'You are so dumb,' Denise mumbled.

'Denise, they aren't dumb. This is a learning experience.'

'What's a learning experience?" asked Denise.

'Never mind. I'll choose the cereal.'

That article-writing lady was no child raising expert. She was a secret liberationist. If enough mothers followed her advice and took their kids to the store, there would be marching and bra burning on every corner in suburbia.

'Hey Kids...would you look for the aspirin? Mom's got an awful pounding in her right temple.'

I have a favorite quote (I'd like to think I'd made it up, but I'm sure I didn't): "There are days when you think you will not live long enough to survive the afternoon at home with your children. And then, one morning, you wake up, turn around, your kids are grown, and those days are completely behind you." I'm not saying that's a bad thing...it's just kind of a touching and sentimental thing.

July 25, 2019